It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
