I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
