Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
