I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
