Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
