There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
