she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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