So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
