I met the friendliest cop last night
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
