Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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