she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
