i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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