I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
false alarm. still invincible.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
