VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
