I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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