idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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