Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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