life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
