Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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