We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
