mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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