My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
