Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
