My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You can't special order awesome
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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