I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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