I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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