Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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