I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
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