Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
