Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
