you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
