Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
