You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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