there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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