I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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