The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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