I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
