i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Rumble strips road head = magical
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
