her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
