I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
