Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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