Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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