I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
