i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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