I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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