Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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