he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
