My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
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My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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