If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
