Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
