Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
