I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
