go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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