Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
