First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
