and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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