So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
