I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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