Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
