you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
