So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
